Tonight in church was awful. We had a member preach instead of Steve, as is our tradition on the fifth Sunday of the month. And he preached about abortion, and it really got to me. I do not support abortion, and it makes me queasy thinking about people terminating healthy pregnancies. But as he kept talking about abortion, and reading scriptures about life in the womb, and giving statistics, I got more and more uncomfortable until I was crying pretty hard.
I really don't know exactly why. Obviously, it made me think so much about Abigail and how much we wanted her yet others are aborting healthy babies. And it hurt to hear him use some of the terms that the pro-choice people use to refer to fetuses. At one point I just wanted to run out of there and I just said, "stop it!" as he read more statistics.
And part of me was thinking about those other moms, who, in my shoes, had chosen termination. And who were and are really suffering, just as I am. And I guess it hurt to have him coming down on them so mercilessly when I know how much they hurt. I hope they do turn to God for forgiveness and healing, but hearing a sermon like that certainly won't lead them that way.
So I guess I'm just conflicted. Our experience with Abigail has shown me that right is still right and wrong is still wrong. But it has also shown me that things are not quite as black and white as many would believe (including me previously). And it has made me a little more understanding and a little more merciful toward those who make bad choices because I understand more about why they would make those choices. And so I don't see the value in alienating them; instead I want to offer them forgiveness and healing.
I am feeling a lot better now, which in itself is a testimony to the healing that has occurred in my life. But I am kind of surprised by my reaction - the anger and the emotion. I guess grief will keep surprising me.