And that's when I realized that's what it was. I can't believe I didn't connect it! I get this same irritability and vague sadness around Abigail's birthday, why not at Christmas as well? It is probably more pronounced because of the contrast to the happiness of the season.
I realized I have been irritated about having to buy gifts for people who really don't need anything, burdened about decorating, baking, etc. because I've been so busy. But that's not the whole story. I've been so busy because I don't WANT to do these Christmasy things. I've been running from the sadness by ignoring the fact that Christmas is coming. Maybe if I pretend it's not happening, I can just skip the whole thing and it'll be January.
So the result is that I am rather depressed and melancholy. I don't have any energy and I don't feel like doing anything. But it doesn't feel directly related to Abigail, which is what is so strange. I mean, I don't feel this need to decorate her grave or buy things in her memory or anything. And I don't consciously feel like I miss her so much. But the sadness is definitely related to her.
So I don't what to do. We are going to be visiting relatives for the holiday and I don't know what I should do for her. If I don't do anything, I think I'll really feel bad, but I don't know what to do. And I feel like whatever I do is an afterthought because I haven't put any effort into it. But I think I haven't done anything because I don't want to think about the sadness.
OK, I just decided that tonight the kids and I will talk about what we want to do and then do it. I think that's why I'm so down - I need a plan.