The Path to Healing: My Grief Journal

I am continuing this journal in blog format so from this point forward the NEWEST entries will be at the TOP.

Use the links at left for the older entries:
Month 21 = May 2004,
Month 22 = June 2004, etc.

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Friday, July 21, 2006

Newborns still bother me. We just had two births at church, and I just avoid the babies as much as possible. It seems that once they reach a certain age, around 9 months or so, suddenly I find them so irresistable and have to go hold them. Very odd, when I've totally avoided them until that time. So we'll see if that will hold true for these two newborns as well.

I've been very down lately - irritable, unable to cope with pressure and overreacting to things, and I just have no energy. Talking with K. about it she pointed out that there have been two new births lately. I knew that, but I told her I hadn't consciously connected it with my feelings lately. And it's coming up on Abigail's anniversaries again, which is always a yucky time for me.

Could it be that there is more grief involved in my moods than I realize? I tend to overlook that as a primary factor in things anymore, except on a few occasions when Abigail is in the forefront. My continued involvement with the Trisomy 18 Foundation may be driving that home; seeing all the new families dealing with this and remembering the intensity of the early grief may make me consider myself "healed" because it's so much better now. But as K. pointed out, it's not even been 5 years, which is really not all that long, and I have completely overlooked that.

I don't make an effort to journal anymore; maybe I should (hence my being here now). And therefore I don't "pursue" how I'm feeling and maybe I'm not gettting to the real root of the issue. Do I need to take some time right now because of these new births to focus on Abigail for a while? Do I need to cry and let it out, instead of letting it simmer secretly under the surface?

We'll see. I have a feeling I'll be back - the upcoming months are usually hard for me.

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